All Through the Night

This is kind of an outtake from my appearance in the movie ChristmaZ. I was asked to sing a lullaby – and I remembered this one that my mom used to sing to me. It seems right – right now.

December 5, 2018

I wanted to post something new. So much happened so fast, so early on – And now it feels like it’s dragging. I think way too much about my brain and what it’s doing. So much happens and keeps happening. I think I’m at the point that I don’t know if I can breathe – not physically – but just so much.

I waited so long for my post radiation MRI. It was terrible. I’ve had a few before. I thought – no problem. It was a problem. I panicked through the whole thing, but didn’t stop it because I wanted it over and done. It’s two days later and I’m still kind of panicking.

I did start my program at Well-Fit at the University of Waterloo. I want to feel myself again, and the physio program they set up for me – I can already feel it in my muscles. I love that feeling! I’m doing something – I’m fighting.

I’m depressed. Maybe it’s my hormones. Things are changing – I haven’t had a period since August. Maybe it’s just this f*cking thing in my head that I want to kill so bad – and I feel helpless.

Maybe that’s why I haven’t posted for awhile. This is a stupid fight that just pisses me off and I feel so f*cking helpless, no matter how hard I fight – and I’m fighting so f*cking hard!

I named this blog the way I did because I don’t wear a wig or something to cover my head, and people look at my scar – and the bald side of my head – I just always want to say it’s okay to look, and I want to answer their question – “I have brain cancer” – This is life. My life right now. I don’t even know what that means to me – not yet.

I wait for someone to tell me that they’re going to fix this and stop telling me they can’t. I wait – and live. And Christmas is coming – and we got the calendars for the girls – and the music of peace plays. The tree is bright and flickering and Cleo loves it way too much, as usual. So much, so beautiful. I love my life!