December 5, 2018

I wanted to post something new. So much happened so fast, so early on – And now it feels like it’s dragging. I think way too much about my brain and what it’s doing. So much happens and keeps happening. I think I’m at the point that I don’t know if I can breathe – not physically – but just so much.

I waited so long for my post radiation MRI. It was terrible. I’ve had a few before. I thought – no problem. It was a problem. I panicked through the whole thing, but didn’t stop it because I wanted it over and done. It’s two days later and I’m still kind of panicking.

I did start my program at Well-Fit at the University of Waterloo. I want to feel myself again, and the physio program they set up for me – I can already feel it in my muscles. I love that feeling! I’m doing something – I’m fighting.

I’m depressed. Maybe it’s my hormones. Things are changing – I haven’t had a period since August. Maybe it’s just this f*cking thing in my head that I want to kill so bad – and I feel helpless.

Maybe that’s why I haven’t posted for awhile. This is a stupid fight that just pisses me off and I feel so f*cking helpless, no matter how hard I fight – and I’m fighting so f*cking hard!

I named this blog the way I did because I don’t wear a wig or something to cover my head, and people look at my scar – and the bald side of my head – I just always want to say it’s okay to look, and I want to answer their question – “I have brain cancer” – This is life. My life right now. I don’t even know what that means to me – not yet.

I wait for someone to tell me that they’re going to fix this and stop telling me they can’t. I wait – and live. And Christmas is coming – and we got the calendars for the girls – and the music of peace plays. The tree is bright and flickering and Cleo loves it way too much, as usual. So much, so beautiful. I love my life!

2 thoughts on “December 5, 2018

  1. Baby steps, keep driving forward no matter the Force against you. Every day there is something better than the last. Remember the good and keep going. You are amazing, you always will be. You are important, you matter, and you are loved always. You are.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Wondered how you were doing! Sorry the chemo is so awful! It will be hard and tiring with Christmas coming so soon. Try to focus on the things you like best about the holiday. Stay brave and strong! Sebding healing hugs! Sue Gowan

    Liked by 1 person

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