February 4, 2019

What an odd and heartwrenching time it’s been of late…

My father-in-law passed away on January 17th. Just before his 77th birthday, which would have been on the 19th. As I’ve mentioned in previous posts – he was sick for a while – he had cancer as well. We got to the hospital just after he passed. I felt odd and sad that I couldn’t say goodbye one last time. But really, it wouldn’t have been how I hoped or imagined. So what I remember now is the previous time I saw him in the hospital – a few days earlier – when he told me that he always saw me more as his daughter than daughter-in-law. It meant the world to me. He was a beautiful, special, kind, wonderful man. And it breaks my heart everytime I remember that I won’t be able to see or talk to him in this life. It breaks my heart to see how it’s affected my husband, his daughters and the rest of the family. He was always there when anyone in the family needed him – including me. He even walked me down the aisle when I married his son, because I asked. I remember him being so nervous. It was cute. 🙂 Here is another photo of us on that day. I will forever miss his presence, his voice, his smile. Until we meet again…

Apparently it is World Cancer Day – As far as that goes for me – I saw my oncologist today and he said my platelet count is very low. Just about at the point of requiring a blood transfusion. I have to go back to the clinic on Wednesday for more bloodwork, to see if my platelet count is on the rise or going down. I was supposed to be starting my next round of chemo but I have to wait to see how things go. I hope and pray that I’ll be able to start it still this week.

Admittedly, I’ve been thinking a lot about death lately. With the passing of my father-in-law, it became more real to me. Over the past little while I’ve focused more on it. But I don’t want that to be my focus. I want to live! I believe I will, for a long time yet. Because, why not?

A few weeks back I decided to take some pics of how I was feeling. They may seem rather dark. But that’s just how I feel sometimes. My hair isn’t really growing and I have a giant scar now. But this is me – for now anyway. For World Cancer Day I wanted to share in visual form what I sometimes feel like. But I am looking to the future too and intend on doing more photo shoots that show the other side of me. It’s just taking me some time to get there. 🙂

Steph and I are also planning to record a couple of original songs in the near future. The one is called Beautiful. I wrote it about someone I love deeply that has always had a hard time seeing themself as such – inside and out. It’s something that so many people – myself included – struggle with. Something that I especially struggle with now. It’s a song of love and encouragement. I’m excited for us to finally record and share it!