Hello everyone. This is Steve posting. The last few weeks have been unlike anything we’ve known. The number of messages have been overwhelming, and I apologize that I haven’t been able to respond to each. Trying to wrap our heads around all of this. For almost two and a half years, amidst the fear and anxiety, there was hope – almost expectation. It was unreal of a kind. This can’t be happening. Somehow things seemed to calm, after all of the initial treatments, and we naively imagined that this wasn’t happening.
We’re reading your messages – I’m reading them to Kelly. No, there is nothing more we can do medically as far as the cancer goes. But there is something in Kelly that keeps on fighting no matter the final outcome.
How is Kelly doing? She’s struggling with the limitations that the cancer has put on her body. She wakes every morning wanting to get up out of bed – Wanting to do the things she’s done every day. The left side of her body won’t co-operate, but she’s determined. She will be very calm and relaxed at times – but anxiety, panic, and claustrophobia can take over. She likes calm and peace, and on calm days she will joke and laugh – And give me and Steph attitude and smile and laugh a lot.
Kelly is very aware that the cancer is attacking her brain. What she wants and feels and desires are still there. The frustration of an inability to communicate all she feels, or make her body answer to her, is apparent.
When it all started – then surgery, radiation, chemo – the monitoring began. And MRI after MRI showed stable. About a year ago, when we got the MRI that showed not stable… We knew it was coming, but not really… After that, Kelly started making notes. It’s obvious that her intention was to expound on these, but she’s asked me to share these notes as they are.
Scattered Memories… A Memoir
Life… I Don’t Know. A Memoir.
Let’s start at the beginning. Tuesday, January 5, 1982, 1:01 am. That was mine. As good a day as any I suppose.
When does memory truly begin? I don’t know what my first was. My childhood memories feel scattered in my brain. I was told that when I was 3 years old I accepted Jesus into my heart as my Lord and Saviour and that I became a Christian then. Do I remember that? No. It’s funny the things that seemed so important at a different time. Like it was necessary for my relationship with God to be set in stone at a certain point. Throughout my young years I just believed because that’s what I was told. But I didn’t feel like I really knew for myself.
- Grandma Abbass
- religion, the church, God
- Hot summer night, basement, Woodward, reading books, the 3 of us
- leaf forts, raspberry bush, rhubarb patch, flowers we ate the nectar from
- road to avonlea, anne of green gables, pride and prejudice
- the blue castle
- how hard school was for me
- singing, choirs, church
- modeling – fashion show in grade 8, going to an agency at 15
- drama class
- first taste of death – Aunt Gail
- where the fear of my own death and my loved ones began. Debilitating fear of choking. Refused to eat. Had to eat baby food.
- when I started eating again my go to was granola and yogurt. And thus began the chubby, self conscious years.
- the fear of choking and death happened again when I was 13. Lost a bunch of weight
- a life of being self conscious, then finding my place in modeling
- modeling journey
- Steve – Our Relationship & Life
- Marriage – How that came about – Blue Green Eyes
- Fear of death and cancer since childhood. Always thinking that I would eventually get cancer and die.
- Depression, purposeful isolation
- Always wanting romance and to be swept off my feet in a magical Disney sort of way. But as I got older – and I was still seriously awkward about guys – I started to believe that I would have to marry a random church guy, probably picked by my mom, and then pop out babies
- Realization that I didn’t want to have my own kids – Steph & Haley – my fur babies
- Evey, Daisy, Domino & Ripley
- Steph & Haley
- rebuilding relationship with mom
- becoming friends with my sister
- writing lyrics and songs, the journey
- Panic attacks and anxiety, leaving work
- Headache, face droop & slurring, hospital etc, finding out I had a mass in my brain
- My brain cancer journey