I wanted to post something new. So much happened so fast, so early on – And now it feels like it’s dragging. I think way too much about my brain and what it’s doing. So much happens and keeps happening. I think I’m at the point that I don’t know if I can breathe – not physically – but just so much.
I waited so long for my post radiation MRI. It was terrible. I’ve had a few before. I thought – no problem. It was a problem. I panicked through the whole thing, but didn’t stop it because I wanted it over and done. It’s two days later and I’m still kind of panicking.
I did start my program at Well-Fit at the University of Waterloo. I want to feel myself again, and the physio program they set up for me – I can already feel it in my muscles. I love that feeling! I’m doing something – I’m fighting.
I’m depressed. Maybe it’s my hormones. Things are changing – I haven’t had a period since August. Maybe it’s just this f*cking thing in my head that I want to kill so bad – and I feel helpless.
Maybe that’s why I haven’t posted for awhile. This is a stupid fight that just pisses me off and I feel so f*cking helpless, no matter how hard I fight – and I’m fighting so f*cking hard!
I named this blog the way I did because I don’t wear a wig or something to cover my head, and people look at my scar – and the bald side of my head – I just always want to say it’s okay to look, and I want to answer their question – “I have brain cancer” – This is life. My life right now. I don’t even know what that means to me – not yet.
I wait for someone to tell me that they’re going to fix this and stop telling me they can’t. I wait – and live. And Christmas is coming – and we got the calendars for the girls – and the music of peace plays. The tree is bright and flickering and Cleo loves it way too much, as usual. So much, so beautiful. I love my life!
Getting used to my new self. I’m not there yet – but I’m on my way.
One step at a time. Next step – Christmas. Yeah, if you know us, you know – we love Christmas. Next step – Christmas. Then the next Christmas – and the next, and the next. One at a time.
We had an interesting day today, that had a bit of a twist. Initially we were planning to go for a bit of a drive – maybe grab lunch – anything to get me out of the house. The week since my radiation finished has been a little tougher than I had hoped. I know I’ll never be my old self – but I’m looking forward to my new self, and I’ve been working hard for that. However, I still tire easily and it takes a little more effort than I thought to keep myself going. I’ve been trying to get out more, and today – I really needed to get out! So we were going to go for that drive, and I changed my mind – Let’s go for a walk. When Steve and I go for walks now-a-days we set destinations, so I can set goals and pace myself. I miss the days of just the two of us walking and walking, and not caring where we were going or worrying about when or how we’d get back. But that’s another story. Today we set a destination – the liquor store – but before you judge – there was a reason that went beyond alcohol. I haven’t had very much to drink since all this started happening. A glass of wine here and there. My favourite drink used to be Forty Creek Whisky. Steve’s a beer drinker, but around the holidays he likes to have his CC. So – it’s snowing around here, and we lit the pine scented candle, and we talked about Christmas – and we realized, our bar is very poorly stocked anymore. People come to visit to bring flowers and give me hugs – Nobody comes for shots and to let loose. We decided to head to the liquor store to make sure we had Forty Creek and CC for Christmas. That’s actually a very sentimental reason – ask anyone that knows us. We set out on our walk. It was so nice to put on a warm coat and hat, and walk in the cold air. When we got to the store, Steve grabbed his CC and I went for my Forty Creek. I was grabbing the bottle and Steve said – “You get a free glass with that. That’ll replace the one you broke”. I broke a glass a couple of days ago, so we thought that was nice how things worked out. Then we walked home. We left the bag on the kitchen floor and went on to other things. Steve eventually decided to put the bottles in the bar – and he opened the box that was on top of the Forty Creek bottle.
This is the box.
And this is the glass that was inside.
Steve showed me and we laughed. For those that don’t know – Hamilton is where I had my brain surgery, and where I had my radiation, and where I will continue with my chemo and any other treatments. We had no idea what the Forty Creek promotion was supposed to be, but Steve saw the “Forty Creek – 29km” sign and figured it had something to do with Forty Creek being so close to Hamilton.
Then we read the back of the box.
35 cities, and I picked up “Hamilton”. Then Steve looked closer at the glass.
This is an outline of Hamilton on Google Maps.
This highlighted area is approximately what appears on the glass.
That’s this section of Hamilton.
This is the route we take to get to my appointments at Hamilton General – and where I ultimately had my brain surgery.
This is the route we took everyday for six weeks to Juravinski Cancer Centre for my radiation, and where I’ll go for any future treatment.
On the glass.
That’s pretty cool! 🙂
Today was the day of my last radiation treatment. It didn’t go as planned. I forgot my pills, and half way to Hamilton we had to turn around and start over again – which made me late for my appointment. Steph and Haley came with Steve and I. My family. It couldn’t have been better. The drive there – the ringing of the bell – the drive home. And then we all went to a restaurant that none of us had been to before – and we celebrated. Sure, there’s more fight to come – but today – we celebrate!